Alive-Ing.
Life after numbness.
Holy God. I miss being a dancer so much these days. I am just. Phew. When you are growing, you want the familiar way out again. Even when you know it’s not good for you. God. I’m so grateful but it’s still hard.
1 Corinthians 13:11, King James Version
When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a woman, I put away childish things.
As a practical theologian in the making, I guess I would rewrite it to give some context to what I’m going through:
1 Corinthians 13:11, Queen Jeong Version
When I was unhealed, I spoke like I was unhealed, I understood as a broken woman, I thought in fragments of self: but as I broke free and became more healed, I put away painful things, including pain as love.
In that old me, I was constantly afraid, constantly anxious, constantly being mistreated, just lowkey terrorized. But while I had pain, I was also umbrella-ed under the power of my pimp, who was also my boyfriend. I was addicted to him, w/out a doubt. And that felt good.
We can know somethin is bad for us but just be addicted to pain as luv, too. And we can be wreckless. We can luv being close to death bc we don’t feel worthy of life.
My past self was addicted to pain as love. I could stay in that disconnect and mask it as hard work and obedient love for impressive, chronic lengths of time.
It was like Hotel Cali, no doubt. That zombied, zoned out, numbed, high af look wasn’t just for the chicks on heroin or pills. The scariest thing and most valuable asset to exploitative men was the fact that I could check out sober and function very sophisticated for clients.
I could appear engaged, interested, and present. I was socially competent, highly adaptable, and likable by a diverse group of men.
I could check out no doubt. We clinicians call this disassociation.
Research suggests that ethnic minority women may report higher rates of functioning while dissociating compared to other demographics, primarily due to the increased exposure to chronic stress and trauma associated with experiences of racial discrimination, which can lead to dissociation as a coping mechanism; however, it’s important to note that this is a complex issue with variations across different ethnic groups and individual experiences (Harb, Bird, Webb, et al, 2023).
And now, years later, I see how that skill is so threaded into my childhood trauma and the trauma of Korean international adoption industry. So I am just fighting everyday to stay checked back in.
Romans 12:2 tells us, “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is — his good, pleasing and perfect will.”
For Growth. Yes. Yet, no one ever tells u how much GRIEF & exhaustion there is when u truly decide to turn away from sin and transform ur life, allow God to take control and transform u wholly and fully.
There’s a lot that comes along with that life. I def have had to really change my whole thought process and mentality. Disengage from patterns of thought and how those patterns were really reinforcing a lot of lies from childhood trauma, unhealed stuff in me.
Having those walls broken down these past four years has been incredibly hard but everything I ever prayed for. Just praying to break free, to be set free.
For our Korean adopted community now to be experiencing so much restoration and like real Justice on the whole exposure of the governments’ collusion and how we were stolen and trafficked, too. You know never did I think we would see that Justice in my lifetime so that is something unexpected, incredible grace.
Incredible gift from God and a sign. There is hope. Keep going.
I’m weary but don’t give up. (We clinicians call this grit, resilience, distress tolerance, maybe. Ethnic minority womxn tend to have tons of it).
We can do this. We can be new. Just keep going. Something is on the other side and it’s real, it’s lasting, it’s healthy, and it’s forever. When I think about my old self, sometimes I long for it. Not because I really want to go back. But because trauma was so interwoven into my identity for so long. Pain was rooted in my implicitly coded memories, pain was how I came to understand what love is. So I don’t want to go back, but I am in this new healed self, often emotionally tired. I wonder when relief will come to me. So I lean into my faith more deeply than ever before. Nights like this, so many things to do, so much residual grief still processing, so much rapid growth, so much potential, so much past pain still swimming through. Acts 3:19 reminds us; “So turn away from your sins. Turn to God. Then your sins will be wiped away. The time will come when the Lord will make everything new.”
If it’s not good, then He’s not done.
Hold on till the morning. Slow down. Wait. If you have to be quick, no need to hurry. Just be quick. But don’t rush.
Girl, take your time.
When I feel like checking out again, I tell myself. Stay with me, girl. Leave that old self behind. Leave what no longer serves you. Leave it where it was, and just hold on a little bit longer. God is Love. That’s it. That’s all.
Sources Cited
Harb F, Bird CM, Webb EK, Torres L, deRoon-Cassini TA, Larson CL. Experiencing racial discrimination increases vulnerability to PTSD after trauma via peritraumatic dissociation. Eur J Psychotraumatol. 2023;14(2):2211486. doi: 10.1080/20008066.2023.2211486. PMID: 37229524; PMCID: PMC10215023.
